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Dave points out that CBS is airng stock footage of a guy wresting an ostrich to compete with NBC's Olympic coverage; director Chris Kentis promotes Open Water; ""Still Standing"" star Renee Olstead performs a scorching rendition of ""Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby.""

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Dave has difficulty explaining to Paul what exactly animal photographer Sam Easterson does; Dave shows another out-of-focus clip from the Olympics; Denis Leary promotes the FX hit drama ""Rescue Me.""

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""CBS Mailbag"" features Dave getting friendly with U.S. Olympic volleyball stars Kerri Walsh & Misty May (bogus), Alan Kalter's ""You're Busted"" at Ranch 1, and New Jersey going ""Gay Crazy;"" gold medalist Paul Hamm visits.

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A man from Pennsylvania turns himself into a human jack o'lantern on ""Audience Show & Tell;"" ten U.S. Olympians present the Top Ten; political writer Maureen Dowd makes several alarming comments on the presidential election.

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Osama bin Laden announces that he wants to replace Craig Kilborn as host of the Late Late Show; Dave celebrates 11 years at CBS with a timeline; Biff reports from the Republican National Convention, with a goal to hug as many ""Republican Babes"" as possible.

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Jane Pauley promotes her new book, talk show, and bipolar disorder.

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Dave brags about working on Labor Day; like it does every year, a runaway taxi ruins the staff Labor Day barbecue (and runs over Alan); three National Hollerin' Champions do their thing; Neve Campbell; Keane performs ""Somewhere Only We Know.""

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At Hello Deli: Rupert selects a contestant to play the ""Late Show Heart Bypass Scramble;"" Regis promotes his new standards CD; Alan recaps his summer, with the usual results; Hoobastank performs ""Same Direction.""

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""CBS Mailbag"" introduces Rupert's new ""girlfriend,"" answers the question, ""Does Dave ever sing?"" and features Alan's message to Hillary Clinton; Martin Short; ""Late Show Back to School Tips;"" Alan Jackson sings.

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Biff spends the day at New York-Presbyterian Hospital with Dr. Lou Arrone; an educational segment with Alan and an animated rodent goes awry; Ray Romano talks about the final season of ""Everybody Loves Raymond;"" Avril Lavigne performs ""My Happy Ending.""

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Dave and Drew Barrymore discuss their long-dormant drinking problems; amputee Aron Ralston returns to the show to promote his new book.

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Dave comments on the CBS News scandal; John Kerry performs the Top Ten and gets grilled by Dave; Green Day performs ""American Idiot.""

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Stand-ins for Dave and Dr. Phil stand in the gallows; in honor of a recent stunt on Oprah, everyone in the audience gets an automobile air freshener; Alan unintentionally admits that he's sexual dysfunctional.

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Nobel prize winner Professor Robert A. Mundell reads aloud from Paris Hilton's book; Kelly Ripa; poker champion Annie Duke; Elvis Costello & the Imposters perform.

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As it does every season, Alan's hair changes colors; Dave comments on Conan O'Brien's promotion to hosting The Tonight Show in 2009, then openly asks if he can go back to NBC to host Late Night; a Kodomo Dragon (courtesy of Jack Hanna) startles Dave.

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Dave mentions Paul's line of handbags again, while John Goodman promotes ""Father of the Pride"" and ""Center of the Universe.""

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Live via satellite, Rupert plays bingo; Dave shows a photo of Harry shaking hands with one of the Stangel brothers; Tony ruins the ending of another movie En Espanol, then goes off on one of his trademark rants.

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CBS Mailbag: Dave shows an ad for Martha Stewart's farewell show, then has a heart-to-heart with ""Pete Rose"" (Gerard); magician Jason Randal dazzles Dave with some card tricks.

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Dave has another rant about Jay Leno's five-year notice to NBC; an autumn in New York quiz; a still graphic acknowledges the passing of staffer Dorothy Chambers; Howard Dean shills for John Kerry; George Clarke's ""It's A Fact;"" Franz Ferdinand performs ""Take Me Out.""

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""Mount Late Show"" erupts repeatedly in the backdrop; a schoolmarm plays ""Would You Like to Touch the Meat?""; Mario Andretti presents the Top Ten.

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""Know Your Current Events;"" Donald Trump plays (and wins) ""Trump Or Monkey;"" SpaceShipOne pilot Brian Binnie; Minnie Driver sings ""Everything I've Got In My Pocket.""

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During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Dave promotes the new Late Show newsletter, which includes an Alan Kalter centerfold; Brooke Shields visits; director-raconteur Barry Sonnenfeld returns to tell more amusing stories, and show samples of his martini art.

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Live via satellite, Martha Stewart gets caught in a prison catfight; an NYU student plays ""Guess the Bulge"" at Hello Deli; Jordan Zevon (son of Warren) and The Wallflowers perform ""Lawyers, Guns, and Money.""

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Dave has a new favorite phrase (""We must protect this house!"") while J.Lo promotes the remake of the Japanese romantic comedy Shall We Dance?

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""CBS Mailbag"" with CBS holding auditions for Dave's replacement, George Clarke learning to play drums and Gerard Mulligan returning as ""George W. Bush;"" Tony Danza on his new talk show; Dave chats with Julia Roberts' niece Emma; Brian Regan does standup.

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Sarah Michelle Gellar plugs The Grudge; 2004 Indy Racing League Champion Tony Kanaan visits; Sparta performs.

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""Stump The Band;"" live via satellite, Martha Stewart gets caught in yet another catfight; Curt Schilling presents the Top Ten; Dustin Hoffman makes spit bubbles; Joss Stone performs.

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Dave's annual (and quite early) look at ""Halloween Costumes;"" George Clarke with a premature reminder about the end of Daylight Savings Time (Dave makes him down chocolate syrup); Amy Sedaris discusses her bunny and imaginary husband ""Ricky;"" Tommy Lee talks about his book, Tommy Land.

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Dave plugs his and Paul's (bogus) ""Decision 2004 Election Showdown Countdown Vote 2004 Democracy Corner"" for tomorrow night's election coverage; Rupert reports from St. Louis and Game 4 of the World Series; Johnny Damon recalls Boston's come-from-behind triumph; Anne Heche talks about parenthood and Birth; The Donnas perform ""Fall Behind Me.""

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Dave, Alan, Paul and George Clarke all comment on Bush's reelection; Tom Brokaw wishes Harry a happy first birthday; Dave flirts with Mischa Barton of ""The O.C."" to hide the fact that he's never seen the show.

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""Know Your Current Events;"" an 882 pound pumpkin is exploded on 53rd St.; Rosie Perez is tricked (once) by Dave into mentioning her Isuzu Trooper; Steven Wright.

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""CBS Mailbag;"" Al Franken explains the Electoral College to Dave; Kristen Bell visits; Project Bandaloop's performance is postponed because of heavy rain in Manhattan.

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The annual run-through by NYC Marathon winners; Ball State University sophomore Ryan Carney adds to his Late Show tattoo collection; Tom Hanks on Scottish Mexican food, vomiting and The Polar Express; Nelly.

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During Mailbag, Rupert admits to learning how flirt with women from Bill O'Reilly; Canadian-born TV actress Evangeline Lilly hugs Paul; after a one-week holdover, Project Bandaloop finally trapezes around the building.

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Dave experiments with new camera angles by sitting on the edge of his desk; live in the green room, we meet a man who has collected pennies for over thirty years and amassed a fortune of roughly $28; Dave and Nicholas Cage talk about motorcycles.

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Dave shows a faux ad for a 1,420-calorie cheeseburger at Hardee's (""Warning: Do Not Eat""); Howard Stern likens himself to Oprah; Alanis Morissette performs ""Knees of My Bees.""

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A telenovela catfight turns into a Pistons-Pacers basketball game; Rupert and a woman from Alabama drop fake turkeys off the top of the theater; Pittsburgh Steelers wonderkind Ben Roethlisberger participates in the latest Late Show QB Challenge.

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In honor of Thanksgiving, Dave detonates a cannon filled with stuffing; Whoopi Goldberg promotes her one-woman Broadway show; Marilyn Manson performs the Depeche Mode classic ""Personal Jesus.""

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Via satellite from Indianapolis: The annual Thanksgiving pie-guess with Dave's mom (and dinner guest Marv Albert); Natalie Portman talks about an earlier Thanksgiving day LS appearance and plugs Closer; a Late Show Turkey Recall Announcement; John Mayer performs.

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During Mailbag, CBS suit Vinnie Favale announces a stricter policy on vulgarity on the network that may work to Dave's disadvantage; Senator-elect Barack Obama radiates charm and confidence while discussing politics; Dave and Jessica Biel swap stories about their dogs.

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Tonight's ""Spanish Soap Opera Highlight of the Night"" seems to include a round of ""Got Your Nose,"" while Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel does a demonstration out on 53rd Street.

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""Stump the Band"" continues to mystify Paul and company; Dave chats with Sharon Reed, the Ohio-based TV reporter who stripped naked for a Spencer Tunick project; Lyle Lovett performs ""In My Own Mind.""

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As they do every year, Rupert, Joe G, Mujibur, and Sirajul place their edible ""angel"" on top of the Late Show Christmas tree; Jim Carrey discusses ab-crunches; Alan flips out while singing ""The Little Drummer Boy""; Ashanti performs ""Only U.""

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Adam Sandler promotes Spanglish and performs his rendition of Warren Zevon's ""Werewolves of London;"" Shannon Eis with a look at new toys for the holidays.

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""America's Next Top Model"" winner Eva presents the Top Ten; Kate Beckinsale pushes The Aviator; Ciara performs with Missy Elliott.

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Dave's monologue is interupted by a surprise appearance from Billy Crystal (promoting the one-man Broadway show ""700 Sundays""); Dave introduces ""The Nog-Cam;"" 10 carolers present the Top Ten; Broadway star Kristen Johnston opens up to Dave about her recent mugging; Tom Dreesen tells another story about opening for Frank Sinatra.

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Dave wishes everyone a happy new year, then accentuates his goals for 2005 (he plans to use the word ""snarky"" more often); ""Biff Henderson: Pollster"" roams the streets once more; Hilary Swank plugs Million Dollar Baby; Andy Dick talks about his crabs; Green Day performs ""Boulevard of Broken Dreams.""

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A shocking message from Dubya; Dave contines his use of all the following: carbs, steroids and the word ""snarky;"" ""Celebrity Resolutions"" goes straight into the dumper; Alan's new show, ""Desperate House Gal;"" Kevin Bacon; Caroline Rhea; Wilco performs ""Late Greats.""

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Rudy Giuliani talks baseball; 11-year-old percussion prodigy Daniel Banks hits the skins; Dave's stand-in finally gets his moment in the spotlight.

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Amy Sedaris laments the death of her imaginary boyfriend; Andy Kindler performs stand-up.

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Dave calls up Patriots fan -- and ""D Fence"" guy -- Gary Wren, who drops an ""F bomb;"" Rupert learns karate at Tiger Schulmann's; the always on edge Jack Hanna with animals; Alan admits to being jealous of Jack Hanna, then has another hissy fit (and drops an ""F bomb""); Teri Polo on her experiences making Meet The Fockers.

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""Stump The Band;"" Dave shows off his ""baby Borg"" trophy; Robert Downey, Jr. instructs Dave on the finer points of bil jee and performs a song from his new CD; Nicole Richie plugs ""The Simple Life: Interns.""

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""Late Show Week in Review"": On a special episode of the controversial Fox show ""Who's Your Daddy?"" the contestant's biological father pummels an amorous Alan; Dave discusses the art of comedy with legendary funnyman Jerry Lewis.

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Dave's first new show following the death of Johnny Carson is an hour-long tribute, featuring clips of Johnny's appearances on both ""Late Show"" and ""Late Night,"" and the ""Tonight Show"" clip of Johnny stealing Dave's pickup truck; longtime ""Tonight"" producer Peter Lassally; former ""Tonight"" bandleader Doc Severinsen and former NBC Orchestra members Tommy Newsom and Ed Shaughnessy perform one of Johnny's favorite songs, ""Here's That Rainy Day.""

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Dave shows ""actual"" footage of the Hubble Telescope; Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai promotes Bride and Prejudice; 3 Doors Down performs ""Let Me Go.""

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During ""Week in Review,"" Alan previews the Grammys by singing Tone Luc's ""Wild Thing;"" ten divorce attorneys present the Top Ten; Dave eats a sample of Paris Hilton's new lipstick.

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Competitive eater ""Crazy Legs"" Conti attempts to break the world's oyster-eating record in the lobby of The Ed; ""Stupid Pet Tricks"" features three dogs (none too crazy about the oysters); Bonnie Hunt remembers Johnny Carson (and tries an oyster).

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Dave demands to be grilled on the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special, but only if he does the interview with Oprah by his side; ""Harold Larkin's Sidewalk Idol"" searches for the next great singing talent; Kings of Leon perform ""The Bucket.""

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Giant rats attack Christo's Gates; Dave comes up with a number of synonyms for inhaling marijuana; Alan editorializes on President Bush, only to float toward promoting a bootleg sex tape he made in 1989.

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""Late Show Week in Review"": Dubya (mis)pronounces ""nuclear"" five different ways, while a Flashdancers employee dances around one of Christo's Gates. Also, Lego expert Nathan Sawaya creates a brick portrait of Biff.

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Snowmobiling great Jay Quinlan performs stunts on 53rd Street; actor-cum-wrester Dwayne ""The Rock"" Johnston promotes Be Cool; Solomon Burke blows the roof off The Ed with a pair of songs.

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""Would You Like To Take A Ride On A Dog Sled?"" on 53rd Street; Kirstie Alley wants to become promiscuous and discusses her new show ""Fat Actress""; Alan has a stern word for Christo's wife Jeanne Claude; Kathleen Edwards performs.

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2004 Indianapolis 500 champion Buddy Rice with ""Top Ten Reasons I Love Racing;"" Vin Diesel talks about his dog, and his new film The Pacifier; Amos Lee sings.

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Outgoing CBS anchorman Dan Rather looks back at his fifty years in broadcasting and the scandal that prematurely ended his career.

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Dave is able to work the phrase ""needlessly circuitous"" into the interview with Amanda Peet, plus he admires her profile; Alan gives suggestive advice to Condoleeza Rice; Susan Hum refuses to give her picks for the Final Four tournament; marathon man Dean Karnazes discusses the joy of running.

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Dave thanks the FBI and the Montana police for their efforts following a botched kidnapping involving his son last week; Pat Farmer celebrates ""March Madness"" by trying to duplicate his 90 foot drop shot into a goal on 53rd Street; Sandra Bullock doesn't talk about boyfriend Jesse James, but does plug Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; ""Alan Kalter's Are You ****ing Kidding Me?"" takes a look at the Robert Blake verdict; Gwen Stefani discusses high school and performs ""Hollaback Girl"" with a drumline and sits down for a chat.

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Jessica Alba plugs Sin City and performs a lasso demonstration with Dave; staffer Susan Hum is reluctant to explain string theory; Queens of the Stone Age perform ""Little Sister.""

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""On Sale Now"" (a variation on ""New Products"") includes room-temperature sushi and flammable curtains; Pat and Kenny read a transcript of an interview between Oprah and Kirstie Alley; Dave closes the show by promoting Japanese gum.

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An audience member walks on her hands, wrap her legs around Dave, and pulls herself up; Dave shows a clip from the NBC soap ""Passions""; Denzel Washington discusses sailing and drinking large amounts of water.

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Roof problems at the theater results in rainwater onstage; Dave worries over Dengue fever; ""Will It Float?"" hits a snag when a bucket of gumdrops topples over; matchmaking cabbie Ahmed Ibrahim brags about his abilities as an interceder.

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Dave explains how he cut his finger with a cheese grater, then confesses to having a great admiration for lesbians; in her first appearance on the show in 19 years, Jane Fonda discusses her marriage to Ted Turner and her infamous visit to Vietnam; Bloc Party performs ""Banquet.""

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Dave and Paul are quizzed about tax exemptions; a bearded Robin Williams discusses everything from Dave's jury duty to welding; Martha Wainwright (sister of Rufus) performs ""When The Day Is Short.""

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One day after his 58th birthday, waffles are hucked at the audience. Quote Dave: ""Why do I need joke writers when I have waffles?"" Also, the Late Show recreates testimony from the Michael Jackson trial in which the ""King of Pop"" (Gerard) makes an ass of himself; the new Miss USA Chelsea Cooley delivers the Top Ten; David Duchovny promotes House Of D.; Ray Lamontagne performs.

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A lucky motorist wins $100 worth of free gasoline, which is spent up in less than five seconds; Alan has another hissy fit, this time in a Michael Jackson costume; singer-actress Kristen Chenoweth discusses painkillers.

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Tonight's clip from the NBC serial ""Passions"" features a monkey comforting a middle-aged woman; Dave meets the employees of Angelo's Pizza; Spamalot star Hank Azaria admits to Dave that he's a lousy dancer; author Jeff MacGregor discusses his year-long observational tour of the NASCAR circuit, and his subsequent book, Sunday Money.

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Cold opening: Dave runs into a nude (yet blurred) Teri Hatcher who's locked out of her dressing room; ""Late Show Week In Review"" with Vinnie Favale as Elvis, a SWAT team kitty and Alan with a bevy of hookers; ""Will It Float?"" (a bag of fertilizer...no); Teri talks about swimming with a whale; Harry Hill performs standup.

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Throughout the night, wax figures of celebrities that refuse to appear on the show are rolled onstage. One stagehand accidentally cops a feel on the Oprah statue, while Regis storms onstage to complain about his wax likeness.

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Live via satellite, Dorothy Letterman performs the Top Ten; in honor of Cinco De Mayo, a city bus crashes into a giant pinata; Kasabian performs ""Club Foot.""

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Like he does every Kentucky Derby weekend, Dave calls up Dave Johnson to hear him say ""...and down the stretch they come!""; Christina Applegate promotes the musical ""Sweet Charity"" and discusses a recent injury onstage; Brian Regan performs a stand-up routine about cholesterol and heartburn.

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Ben Stiller and Shelly Fairchild stop by. Also, Top Ten with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

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Cedric The Entertainer; Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon; musical guests The Black Eyed Peas.

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Russell Crowe; Paul Anka.

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Katie Holmes; musical group Shout Out Louds.

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Al Franken; Ellen Pompeo.

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Nicole Kidman; Foo Fighters.

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Dan Aykroyd; Bill Scheft; musician Mike Doughty.

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Denis Leary; Alanis Morissette.

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BIll Clinton; Ringo Starr.

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Mark Wahlberg; racing driver Juan Pablo Montoya.

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Christopher Walken; U.S. Open golf champion Michael Campbell; musical guest Billy Corgan.

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Lindsay Lohan; sports commentator Chris ""Mad Dog"" Russo.

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Michael Keaton (""Herbie Fully Loaded""); author David Sedaris.

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Tom Cruise (""War of the Worlds""); musical guest Ben Folds.

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Tim Robbins promotes ""War of the Worlds;"" the Purina Junior Agility Dog Challgenge is briefly subjected to controversy; comedian Nick Griffin does stand-up.

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Actor Jeff Goldblum; musical guests Sleater-Kinney.

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Piedmont Bird Callers; Julian McMahon (""Fantastic Four""); musician Raul Midon.

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Tom Brokaw; actress Dakota Fanning.

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Actress Jennifer Connelly; musical group Eels.

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Michael Chiklis; comedian Gary Mule Deer; new summer toys with Shannon Eis.

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Kelly Preston, Jeff Altman and Aimee Mann

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